You're going to hate yourself in the morning.

My roommate is leaving for Spain.

We are back down to three in our humble abode. This past Tuesday, Timmi, Jared, and I went to the Riverhorse for Emily's going away bash. Needless to say I drank too much and it had adverse affects on my psyche. I started to feel bad about certain uncontrollable situations in my life, and like usual Timmi was there for damage control, feeding me leftover pizza and loaning me her precious childhood comfort, Littlefoot, the best stuffed dinosaur ever. Unfortunately, when these things happen I have to analyze why through a godawful headache the following morning.

Perhaps this is why I should not get drunk. Everything seems ten times worse than it actually is, I get overly emotional and feel like an asshole. Mostly because I know I'm going to feel stupid about it later on, and because it's a total downer to anyone trying to have a good time. I guess I figure that this problem I have with not knowing my place in life is magnified tenfold when alcohol is mixed in.

Unless I drink a plethra of booze in a rather short amount of time.

Then it's just a matter of passing out. No thinking involved there. This is what happened for Erin Petrus's 21st birthday extravaganza. I didn't get a chance to write about it before, but Jon Wrobel and I drove up to LaCrosse over a week ago for Erin's birthday. We got there at midnight and went directly to the bars. Let's just say Erin was somewhat intoxicated when we arrived, and by the end of the night she could have matched any sailor out there. Like a true champion, after an all night birthday party at the toilet bowl, Erin was still drunk in the morning, but disgusted with any liquor bottle in sight. I'm glad we went. It was nice to see Erin in her environment, growing and flourishing in the college atmosphere that has transformed her from shy, quiet, nice girl into the crazy, lovable, boozewhore that we always knew she was. Just kidding, Erin. You're not really a boozewhore and I love you. Happy Birthday.

In any case, perhaps I should declare a sabbatical from binge drinking. Not only for my sake, but for the sake of others who have to remain in my presence after the damage is done. I feel oddly bad about it after the fact. But my birthday is coming up soon, then Halloween. I just don't see how this is going to work.

What's really happening here?

Sometimes people can surprise you.

Yesterday was by far one of the strangest days I've encountered in awhile. Strange in the good sense rather than the bad. The story begins like this:

Thursday night I decided that it was time to clean my room (a project still in progress) however, this time I started in my closet. I went through all of my clothes in order to 1. organize my shit and 2. give some clothes to Blythe who has moved back from Australia and is currently with very little (more about Blythe later). So nearing the end of this loathsome task I recieved a phone call from none other than Tom, a reoccuring glitch in the system called my life. Tom wanted to know what I was up to and perhaps would I like to join him for tea or something. Rather than complete my task at hand I took the opportunity to meet with him. I went to Tom's apartment not knowing (but having a vauge idea) of what to expect for the evening. Now Tom and I have a history that spans over 8 or 9 months. We've never actually "dated" but there is an affection of sorts between us. However, I tend to think that I like him a bit more than he likes me, which always makes for dissappointment. But in this story, I am surprised by our encounter.

His apartment still had its distinct, familiar smell that I had come to miss in our not coming together in the two or so months that we didn't see each other over the summer. I admire his living space. It is unique and filled with aging artifacts of folk Americana, complete with acoustic guitars and banjos hanging on the walls. We left the apartment to venture out on the town in search of a low cost good time, but the rain drove us right back in. As I sat there on his vintage sofa and drank my tea I began to detest him. I wasn't sure why I was there if not only to overanyalze the situation later. Eventually, when he wanted to get close to me, I confronted him about how things had been left between us a few months back. There was no real explination on the subject, only that he was reclusive and hadn't talked to anyone. Not much of an excuse, but I didn't feel that I wanted to press the issue here. I think he understood that it all upset me, so I think he was trying to make amends when he asked me to stay over. Not in any sort of other way than to stay over because he was "just glad that I was there."

So I did. I stayed. I don't know why. But as his word, nothing happened, we just slept. It was nice and by far the sweetest he's ever been towards me. In the morning he made me some french toast while we listened to NPR. Then I went to work late.

It was possibly the longest 4 hours I've worked. Definitely the most interesting. Andy stopped by after his shift and showed me his new guitar, some special little Gibson, I don't remember the model. He stuck around for awhile, however throughout our many random conversations he dropped several hints that leads me to believe that he must think of me in a differentlight than I would imagine. No doubt our relationship has been a strange one throughout the past few years, but he really must have a thing for me. I guess I always kind of knew, (and at one time kind of hoped) but this is what he finally said after 1. saying that I looked cute today, 2. proclaming his attraction to me through some roundabout conversation with a coworker. 3. jokingly saying that he would come and visit me in Japan if I went, but that he'd better get some action if he come all that way, then he said (in a conversation about my current situation with Tom) that he thought that all of our problems would be resolved if we just had sex together. He said this in less of a joking manner, with a degree of some seriousness that made me blush and then feel strange about the whole thing. Not that I think he would enact on this anytime soon. He has a girlfriend. I don't like how he says that shit to me having one. But I can't really deny the tension between Andy and I, it was always there in some way. Now I really don't know what to think about it.

Later that night it was time for a drink. It had been such a weird day. Timmi and I were invited to Raina and Dave's house for dinner and drinks before going out. Blythe is back in town after a bad breakup with her girlfriend, Tegan. Since she's been back we want her to have as good a time as she can, going out and doing things, so she doesn't have to think about it so much. She seems to be doing quite well. I think it is much better than anyone would have imagined. It's nice having Blythe in town again, I missed her a lot. But at the same time, I feel horrible that he has to be here this way. It was nice to go out, all of us together. Raina, Blythe's sister, and her husband are a treat to hang out with. Raina was always like my older sister too. It's strange that we all still know each other, but there's comfort in it. We're just getting older.

I'm not quite sure what to make of a lot of things right now. I'm just trying to put them into perspective.

Somewhere I hear a toilet flushing.

I just scheduled a few doctor appointments before I will become one of many in our country without health insurance. As of my birthday next month I will be dropped from my father's insurance and left to fend for myself if I should become chronically ill or fall down several flights of stairs and break my legs. Nothing particularly unfortunate in the ways of health or injury have affected me thus far in my life, but now that I will be uninsured, I'll be holding my breath. I'm officially a grownup.

I don't feel like a grownup. But I am. It makes me sad. Here I am almost finished with five years of college and I still have no idea what I want to do after graduation. There are some options, but how do I know which is the right one to choose? How do I know which one is right for me? How will I live with the choices I have made? Most of all, will I be happy?

These are some of the options I have been pondering.

1. Go to Japan and teach english for a year.
2. Join the SCA (Student Conservation Corp) and continue to defer my loan payments for awhile. SCA could take me to some exciting and beautiful places while preseving our country's National Parks.
3. I don't know.

Okay, so it's obvious that I haven't thought too hard or too much on the subject. I just don't want to yet. I'm not a good planner. I've thought about the option of grad school, but I don't think I want to go just yet. I need some life experience.

School is in full swing right now. I am taking a whopping nine credits. I was originally going to take twelve, but financial aid is ridiculous. Hopefully my plan to cheat the system works. I'm supposed to recieve aid for full time status, but I'm trying to pull a fast one and drop a class so I become part time status. The money I was "awarded" for full time was still quite a bit less than what my actual tuition is. I would still end up owing the school more than $600. Considering that I am paying for my education by myself with no help from my parents, I feel that the government's observation about what they assume my parents will contribute is asinine. So screw you, financial aid.

In other news, my caffiene intake is up, my moral for the opposite sex is down, and my return to dancing is about the only good thing that I have going right now. Yes, I am in a ballet class. It counts for three of my nine credits. No, I'm not a slacker. This class is actually the only class I look forward to every Tuesday and Thursday.

If it were possible for me, I think I would become asexual. But it's not, it's just not. I've been feeling a bit jaded in male-female relationships as of late. It makes me want to absolve from them all together, except for that not being asexual part. It seems as thought I just get caught up in these things and overanalyze situations too much, therefore becoming agitated about the entire thing and extremely discontented with the entire male race.

This being "grown-up" thing is quite tricky.

Ready, set, go.

And the semester begins at last. Not that I was eagerly waiting for its arrival, but it is here. I'm not really all that excited about my coursework to be honest. I didn't even go and buy books yet. Shakespeare might be interesting, however the professor seems like a ridiculously large dork. Now I like dorks, but this could just be on the verge of aggravating dork. You know, dorks that boast that they were a child prodigy and started teaching university at 22 (insert stuffy chuckling here). No really, he actually did that. Perhaps he will redeem himself. Mostly for the time we were trapped in that god awful conference room I spaced out and thought about whether I should grin or grimace over an obscene postcard I sent a fellow classmate this summer. Hmm.

In other more interesting news, I just got back from Alaska. As far as I'm concerned Alaska is the most beautiful place I have ever seen. Then again I haven't seen all that many places, but I'm working on it. My god, it was so incredible. I love Alaska. I wish I was there now and not going to school for year 5. It was good to see Nicole. We did many exciting things. I drove the Alaskan Highway and lived. Moreover, Timmi and I did not get mauled or eaten by bears like we so feared. The bears that we saw were actually very beautiful, that being grizzlies, a sow and her two cubs. Upon seeing these very fine and very large creatures, a feeling somewhere between awe and immense respect infected me, a feeling I didn't excpect mostly because of my previous intense fear of these animals. Not that I want to get up close and personal with any bears ever, but it was a nice, unexpected emotion towards the bears.

Other trip highlights include (in no particular order):

Timmi and I climbing a mountain. (I thought I would surely die, but didn't.)

Many moose sightings.

Nicole freaking out when we came into her work at our arrival in Denali. "Peeps! Peeps!"

THE SUNFIRE! (Our beloved rental vehicle with 420 on the Alaska "The Last Frontier" plates)

Camping on the Homer Spit, including Timmi's ability to start a campfire in 40mph winds.

Belugas.

Fine specimens of the male species aplenty.

Hugging a glacier.

Spenard Hostel in Anchorage.

Drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon with dude from Holland who gave us a free tent.

Denali.

Drinking at the Spike.

Weedkend 26.

The bus driver who loved me. (Oh yeah, I got the hookup.)

There were many more great things of course. But I suggest you check it out for yourselves someday. I myself will return. I'll just have to add that to my giant list of possibilites for the next few years.

So I've put off semester cleaning since I've gotten back home. I should probably try and do that now. I procrastinate much too much.

Here are some pictures:

Timmi in the pristine Alaskan wilderness. Me playing in glacial silt.

Timmi and Nicole at Spike. I made it to the top!

You see, I would add more pictures but the process is excruciatingly slow because my computer sucks. There will be more someday.