Somebody popped my happy balloon.

So I've been feeling a bit sorry for myself for the past few hours now. If you were me you'd feel sorry for yourself too, mostly because you wouldn't understand what just happened to you.

I really liked someone and it turned out that they in turn also liked me. We connected on so many different levels and I thought things were going great. In fact they WERE going great. Then we got high.

Now I've been on the pot for a long time now. I actually don't smoke as often as I once had, but every now and then it is good to do. But I have never experienced what happened when I smoked with said love-interest the other night. We got stoned and his neruosis kicked in full effect and he in short freaked out on me. He couldn't understand why I liked him. One of the questions followed by others. I knew he felt weird about acting weird and then asking numerous questions so I naturally tried to sympathize and ease his mind because I still felt the same about him I still liked him.

Then a funny thing happened. Within a day and a half he decided that he doesn't think he wants to see me romantically. FOR NO GOOD REASON.

You would think that there has to be at least one clear concise reason, but no, there is not. Thus my frustration and temporary depression ensued. His ill reasoned excuse is that he had a bad feeling. That he is neurotic.

I think that's crap. So I fired off questions to try and get a better understanding of what the hell this dude is thinking. This is way too early at the start of a relationship for this much drama, or a decision to end it before it even takes off the ground. The same night (while we were stoned even) he told me how I was so cool and how he thought I was "super fucking hot" and that he really liked that he could talk to me. I asked him if any of this had changed and he said no, that he was still attracted to me, thought I was great and how he found it easy to talk to me. Still baffled, I fought on.

As it turns out, the issue of my leaving the country in 7 months is probably the largest factor in all of this. I should have known. But still, he doesn't seem to be willing to leave this all behind and start over. He wants to be friends. Ha. I told him that this was unfair to me as it came completely out of nowhere, and how he was basically ruining a good thing before it even started because he was afraid. Afraid of being hurt, afraid of what might happen when I leave, afraid to experience something great. Honestly, I hadn't been that excited about someone in a long time. I mean genuinely fucking floored by another person. The strange thing is that I knew he was feeling the same thing too and all of a sudden this weird experience happens and he doesn't blame it on the pot, he doesn't blame it on me, he blames it on himself.

I'm sorry but, I DON'T UNDERSTAND. I DON'T GET IT!

So I'm feeling a bit sad now. I don't know what to do. If I should leave it alone, forget about it and move on, or try to draw him back out of his shell. We're supposed to hang out with "the gang" on Tuesday (only because he doesn't want to hang out with just me yet) and I'm sure it'll be awkward as ass, but I guess I'll do it anyway. I just want to find out what will happen.

Worst of all I cried on the phone. Yes, I fucking cried and I wasn't even mad at myself for doing it. Not like other guys I've known where you think they like the satisfaction it has given them to hear/see you shed tears on their account. I could tell he was upset at the fact that he made me cry over my shear frustration with the situation. "Imagine," I told him, "that you feel so happy and so wonderful about a person and what's best is that they feel the same about you. Then that same person for no apparent reason whatsoever tells you that they suddenly do not feel the same. How would that make you feel? Imagine this situation reversed."
"I would probably cry," he said, "God, I'm so sorry."
"Yeah well maybe you can understand why I'm a little bit confused right now."

And it went on like this.

I tried to reason. I tried to understand. But now I'm just feeling a bit bitter. It would be easy to understand if it were another girl in the picture, but there's not. This guy has not had an actual girlfriend to speak of, an actual relationship anyway, and I think I am begining to see why.

Timmi raised a valid point. Would I really want to continue to see this guy anyway if he is this neurotic? This type of thing could happen again. Even he mentioned this fact, that his tendencies might damage things between us. In any case, the guy needs some serious help. Like from doctors, counselors, whatever.

I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach. When just a few days ago I felt all those puppies squirming around in there. Someone just had to go and kill those little bastards.

All of this nonsense makes my head hurt.