waiting for the sickness.

Everyone around me is already sick or are in the process of getting that way.

I am trying not to be like everyone.

I just ate a bowl of broccoli, downed a huge glass of orange juice, took some vitamins, and am now drinking some green tea. The last thing I need is to get this nasty flu thing that is going around. Yuck.

Fat chance that I'll actually get away with out contracting any illness. Timmi, the living dead, is currently hacking her germs up all over the apartment. I need to buy some lysol. I told her she has to stay in the living room with the TV because I think the germs might die in there because it is usually so cold. As long as she stays huddled under the blanket and watches some of The Price is Right, she'll be on her way to recovery in no time. I need to get some real sleep tonight. I need to prepare my body to ward off evil germ invaders. I cannot afford to get sick.

I hate winter.

when the days are long and the nights are even longer.

I believe that it is universally known that the minute your life sorts itself out in one area, the other goes straight to the shitter.

I need to acknowledge the fact that school is seriously kicking my ass this semester. I knew it would be difficult, but maybe I just wasn't ready for the workload. Admittedly, I am only taking 9 credits. I actually got laughed at the other day because when I mentioned that school was kicking my ass, a classmate asked how many credits I was taking, I told him and he laughed at me. Jerkoff. He's supercool because he's taking 18. F-that. I'm pretty sure that he doesn't work full time either. Asshole probably doesn't even have a job.

Anyway...6 of my 9 credits are very challenging. I am constantly writing papers, or working, or drinking it seems like. I'm begining to feel like shit about hardly ever seeing or talking to any of my friends, that is unless I live or work with them.

Luckily I had the chance to go out with both Blythe and Raina last night and I had a great time. How could a lesbian drag show not be a good time? Though it was FREEZING outside, I think the most fun was riding in my piece of crap car blasting Le Tigre while Blythe and I sang along and Raina tried to impersonate the police with a red and blue flashy device in my backseat. Good times indeed.

Other than feeling shitty about school and work, I am feeling little short of ecstatic about hanging out with a certain person. So nice. He makes me smile.

Don't worry, I won't bore you with the details.

Well kids, it's time for bed. I have to finish a lovely critical summary paper in the morning, jet over to the library to check out Edward the Second and read the begining of it before class, and also try and decipher a few more Adrienne Rich poems for my first class. Not to mention, somehow fit that last minute studying in for my earth science exam tomorrow afternoon. After all that, I get to go to work.

Bleh.

I should care.

I am I am I am.

I am in existence...I think.

I feel like I'm hovering today. Between thought and reality. What reality am I living anyway? A kind of fog has moved in, a haze. I can't decipher if what I'm feeling is even real.

I don't know if it's my lack of decent sleep that's brought this on. Or maybe my overindulgence in drink lately. Maybe it was Thomas Pynchon. I don't know, but this kind of existence is an old friend. An old friend whose visits are not always invited, but whom I've come to tolerate and understand over the years.

Big changes are on the horizon. I've already made the decision, which is HUGE. For me. Now I just wait for it to happen. However I'm feeling a lot more anxious than I would have expected. I can imagine that that these anxieties will only grow in time.

I think I am doing the right thing.

Maybe I should drop some acid. LSD. Nothing like induced psychosis to find out what's really going on in there. As I've learned this week, "Breakdown is to breakthrough," is what RD Lang wrote in the 60s. But then again he ended up permanently crazy didn't he?

Okay. No acid.

But I will get to the bottom of this one way or another.

unplugged.

So I have to admit that last post was a bit dramatic.

However it doesn't really change the way I feel about things much. There's still drama, though it has begun to subside.

I notice that I am feeling particularly numb today though. I think it is a culmination of things contributing to this newfound numbness. Too much reading, too much writing, too much thinking, too much drinking, too much drama, and defintely not enough sleep. It leaves a person feeling a bit drained. Shit.

I'm supposed to go to my parents house today and I really, really don't want to. However, I did tell them for the past three days that I would be coming, but I keep pushing it back because I've had so much shit going on lately, plus I didn't really want to take time to visit. I do have a giant bag of laundry in my backseat and it REALLY needs to get done. All I really want to do though is sit on my ass and watch some TV in our newly figured living room.

This semester is going to kick my ass. Did I mention that? I don't think I've read this much since...well since I don't know when. If it's not modern renaissance drama, critical theory, or historical documents, then it's some really depressing 20th century literature. A lovely time indeed.

I need a nap now.